minviendha: (wtf panda)
( Sep. 16th, 2007 07:45 pm)
WTF. WTF. WTF NO.

HE CAN'T HAVE DIED. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT. I JUST...REFUSE.

IT DIDN'T FUCKING HAPPEN.

IT DIDN'T.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

P.S.: LIFE, YOU SUCK.
minviendha: (woe)
( Aug. 25th, 2007 01:10 pm)
This hasn't happened in ever. Ever. I'm serious. Practically all summer I've been happy, or at least amused, and I haven't been bored long enough that I get to this place where I can practically feel myself sinking into a dark pit of woe and loneliness. But I don't want to bother people, and besides, they're busy. I'm just too...eh. I slept all morning and then went to a dog park, but I don't feel any better. I just feel cramped and lonely and crap.

I need to figure out something to do for Monday. I need to get out of the house since the sister is having a big party, and I don't really want to feel more like a friendless loser than I already do.

I finished Neverwhere, and despite the back quotes, it reminded me more of The Phantom Tollbooth than Alice in Wonderland. If a bit darker. But I loved it, and want to buy it. Not from you, Annie. I'll find it somewhere else. Once I get money. Though where I am going to find that, I have no idea.

Since the options for where to sell my old iPod are running out, and all. Geez. Today is just not really my day, is it? *sigh* I practically have my own thunderstorm hovering over my head.

Next book is a new one I picked up on impulse: The Visitor by Sheri S. Tepper. I'm hoping it's as good as it looked in Barnes and Noble.
minviendha: (woe)
( Jul. 16th, 2007 09:18 pm)
WAAAAAAAGH.

Otherwise known as: friends? I love you, but sometimes you just suck.
minviendha: (woe)
( Jul. 16th, 2007 08:33 pm)
aw, SHIT.

That is all.
People on the beach with small children:
 
PLEASE DO NOT TO BE BRINGING YOUR DOGS IF THEY ARE:
    a. badly trained
    b. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO EFFING PLAY WITH THEM, SO EVERYONE ELSE ON THE BEACH HAS TO ESSENTIALLY TAKE CARE OF YOUR TWO GODDAMN GOLDEN RETRIEVERS.

RARGH. AND SO I SPENT 20 MINUTES RUNNING ALL OVER A VERY ROCKY BEACH IN BARE FEET AFTER TWO DOGS WHO ARE NOT MINE AND ONE WHO IS MINE, WITH THE FORMER STEALING MY TREATS, TOYS, AND TRYING TO KNOCK ME OVER BY JUMPING ON ME WHILE SAID DOGS ARE SOAKING WET. NOT TO MENTION THAT KEELY WAS EATING FISH.

Mmmph.

Meanwhile, I am also sort of depressed because I am lonely and forlorn, which I usually am when I am condemned to spending an evening alone. Well, with my family, but since my family doesn't really talk to each other during the evenings, they don't count. And to top it all off, I'm pissed because Julia's off getting paid for jobs (as in $600 paid) and I'm stuck home doing the drudgery, thankless jobs, so I'm saddled with all the chores that "we're" supposed to be helping with. Ah, yes. The phantom "we." How quickly it becomes "me."

I'm just so tired of it all. And that makes me feel horrible and ungrateful and all that jazz. Sigh.

Maybe I'll go start a thread at [profile] desperatefans. After all, it's not like I have anything better to do.
minviendha: (woe)
( Jul. 15th, 2007 11:34 pm)
I'm lonely.

I want friends. I miss people. I've been alone basically all day.

WAH.

Karla is lonely also.

We'll just go cry in a corner together, okay?
minviendha: (lucius=not impressed)
( Jul. 10th, 2007 06:48 am)
The [profile] desperatefans update, since it was fairly intense...

So, Karla was talking to Wendla (from Spring Awakening) and the conversation got to how they are both sort of sex neurotic. And Wendla mentioned being raped by Melchior, which pissed Karla right off (obviously) so she was raging about that. Ilse attempted to defend him, unsuccessfully.

At this point, Melchior strolled in, blissfully oblivious, followed shortly by Moritz. Karla didn't realize initially who he was, but the fact that Wendla was obviously lying about not knowing him sort of tipped her off. When she asked him his name and he introduced himself, she basically went batshit crazy and tried to kill him with witchfire, initially because of Wendla. However, after Wendla made it clear that she didn't want him dead (which didn't really get through to Karla at this point), it became sort of a blurry line in Karla's mind about Melchior and Uncle Hobart, and hence she got the idea that if she killed him it would be like killing Uncle Hobart, which would help her not be afraid anymore so she can enjoy a relationship, maybe. Unfortunately, Moritz, Ilse, and Wendla objected to this, and threatened all sorts of dire actions (still unsuccessfully). So at the point when it was sort of turning into a free for all brawl and Karla was menacing people with her snake tooth, Roger Mackenzie showed up and attempted to calm her down. After a lot of shouting, he got her attention (and that of everyone else, who were all sitting on Melchior at this point) and told her that essentially murder was wrong and that he (Melchior) had just made a mistake.

So then Karla went REALLY batshit crazy and started babbling on and on about how much she hates men and rapists and all their counterparts, and she's steadily getting more and more shaky and closer to tears. By the time anyone realizes that, Roger attempts to settle her down and practically gets smacked for his trouble. Karla yells at everyone to leave, pushes Ilse out of the room even as she tries to comfort her, and melts into a blubbering mess.

Morton comes in and helps her clean up a little, while Ilse and Wendla talked in the other room. Karla thinks that everyone is going to hate her and is more than a little scared of what happened. She wants Armand.

Aaaaand that's where we left off. So thank you for tolerating my extremely pointless description - ta, I have to go eat food.
minviendha: (woe)
( May. 27th, 2007 12:49 pm)
I. FUCKING. GIVE. UP.

Any of you like math problems? Here's one. How many Benadryl does it take to sleep for the rest of your life?

I think I'd be happier that way.

minviendha: (woe)
( May. 26th, 2007 12:34 pm)
You know what? I'm just not going to make plans any more. Because you can count on them falling through.

I'm going to have fun doing nothing, for the rest of the day and all fucking night long.

I can just feel the depression lurking. Maybe Land Before Time is on, or something.

*sigh*
minviendha: (woe)
( May. 10th, 2007 09:57 pm)
I realized, finally, what is with me this week.

I'm feeling horribly, completely, bleakly, bitterly vulnerable.

And when I'm vulnerable, I lash out, I withdraw, I am afraid and skittish and easily worried.

And I realized what makes life hard for me.


I think I'm about to fall apart.
minviendha: (Default)
( Apr. 21st, 2007 07:09 pm)
This is bad.

It's the weekend, and that means I shall suddenly be assaulted by dreadful and incredibly intense loneliness.

This sucks like whoa.
minviendha: (Default)
( Apr. 11th, 2007 09:30 pm)
I'm afraid.

One of my friends is pulling back. I don't know if it's her or me, but it's happening, and I don't know what to do. It would be easier just to let it go, but that feels like the cowardly thing to do. And I do love her, just...she makes my life harder, sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm just sitting here and watching my life go by. Is that a healthy way to live?

Do I sit back and let her have her space, or do I try to talk? I don't know. I'm worried that if I try to talk I'll find out I did something wrong, and that will just cut me deeper.

I don't know what to make of this. I don't.

And to top it off, I'm feeling unbearably lonely and lovelorn tonight, in the way that only besotted teenagers can. I should make icons, or something. Something useful, and cheering. Instead, I will do my usual - that is, take down Anne Bishop/Robin Hobb and read the parts that make me cry over and over again. Maybe I'm trying to make myself numb to them. Maybe I think that if I sink deeply enough into the character's woes, I don't have to think about my own. Maybe I'm just a masochist. If I feel really awful, I'll take down Queen of Darkness and reread the end. That's the top weepy book. It actually gets me sobbing. Is that pathetic?

And to top it all off, why not listen to my playlist of depressing music. How about it?

I miss you guys. Wish you lived closer. Sometimes one's real life friends just don't seem to be enough.

Love,
Lise the Masochist
minviendha: (Default)
( Mar. 28th, 2007 09:34 pm)
I think my sister has stopped trusting me.

We have nothing in common any more. She doesn't talk to me at all, even when something is obviously bothering her, and it seems like all we do is fight. We used to be so close, but now I'm afraid our relationship is falling apart.

That scares me.
minviendha: (Default)
( Feb. 7th, 2007 11:24 pm)
Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

This doesn't happen. This just doesn't happen.

My brother was just in a bike accident. He's at the hospital. They think he's going to be okay, but...

OH MY GOD.

This is so scary. Since forever I've had this terrible fear that I'm going to get hit by a car or get in a car accident, but it's never happened to anyone I know. And my brother. At 11:00 at night, my brother is in the hospital. Mom went to Seattle.

I'm probably freaking out over nothing, but I'm scared and worried out of my mind. My stomach hurts and I'm rocking back and forth in my chair and I'm afraid I'm going to cry. I need a hug. Or something.

I need a nervous breakdown. Crying isn't helping. I just feel so tense and scared and stressed and I'm going crazy and now this happens.

Life has a strange sense of humor.

I'm just sitting here, half numb, half terrified. I should be asleep. I should have been asleep two hours ago. My god, I'm scared. What if he dies? How would I handle the death of someone close to me? I practically break down just thinking about my dog dying, for god's sake. I'd never survive someone really close to me actually dying. I'm just not strong enough.

Just a minute ago, I was thinking about spring break and what book I was going to read. And now...

Now I don't know what to think.

I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight. Things will probably look better in the morning, but still...

Right now it's hard to look that far ahead.
Lord. I hate this.

Here we go.

I'm going to cheer myself and hopefully some of you other unhappy people up with this recipe. Feel free to use whenever - guaranteed for happiness.

Materials:
MANY chocolate bars (Cadbury's recommended)
1 tub of hot water
1 teaspoon of bath salts
1 steamy romance/Wheel of Time novel (whichever you prefer)
1 iPod of relaxing music (Bella Luna suggested listening)
1 speaker system
1 batch of chocolate chip cookies

Directions:
First, eat a cookie. Then, set up your speaker system connected with your iPod, fill a tub of water, and bring your novel upstairs. Finally, add bath salts and chocolate bars (NOT to the water) and soak well until happy. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Time: 1 1/2 hours.

Makes: 1 batch of happy Lise.
.

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