Lise's Lists: 10 Bizarre Animals That Have No Reason to Exist But Do Anyway

[minviendha]

DISCLAIMER: This was written for the school newspaper, which may explain a lot. As I will never be published, I wanted to post this somewhere, because it amused me. And that is the sole reason it exists. To amuse at least a little. Have fun. ...maybe I'll go do the other one now. Probably not. But I thought about it, okay?

Everyone knows about dinosaurs. Some of them are fairly funky looking. But what a lot of people don’t know is that there are some pretty weird things living today out in the wide world. Bizarre? Certainly. Real? Of course. The best in weird, in the safety of your own home.

 

10. The platypus. This is the one everyone knows but that nonetheless continually defies science. It has the webbed feet of a duck, the bill of a duck, a furry, otterlike body and a beaver’s tail. It also lays eggs, has a venomous spur on the hind feet (but only in the males!) and uses “electrolocation” – like echolocation, but with electrical impulses. Seriously. It’s not really any wonder that when the first reports of this animal came back to Europe it was considered an elaborate hoax. And yet this furry…thing…really does exist. It is the sole living representative of its genus and its family, though there are some records of similar creatures in the fossil record. So one day, long ago, dinosaur duckbill platysaurs may have walked the earth. We may never know. The one existing today, however, is quite odd enough to be going on with.

 

9. The Aye-Aye. I think this thing must win the prize for ugliest rodent ever to walk the face of the earth. And the best thing? It is basically a mammalian woodpecker. Even better, this thing isn’t actually a rodent. Technically, it’s considered a primate. You know, one of those things humans are descended from? Now – all science aside, look at one of these. And consider. Do you know anyone who looks like they might be the bastard child of an Aye-Aye and some stray human female of long ago? I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. But the fact remains that these guys are creepy. With big yellow eyes and mostly hairless bodies, they terrify me even more than those hairless cats, and those things are positively otherworldly. What’s worse? They’re nocturnal. So while you are sleeping peacefully, these things are coming to claw out your brains with their extra long middle finger. Aaaaah. Good news is, they only live in Madagascar. And they actually eat small insects apparently. I’m not sure I believe it.
 

 

8. Tapirs. Anything that looks like both a pig and an elephant was certainly never meant to walk this earth. I’m not sure that these things aren’t actually elephant rejects who just never quite managed to grow a nose, as I don’t know what else that fleshy protrusion on their head could possibly be for other than adorable things like cracking peanuts or spraying showers over screaming theme park guests. I love elephants. Tapirs, though – these things are just pretenders. Tapir attacks have gone on record, however, most notably one zookeeper’s arm being actually severed. Yeah. Wouldn’t that make a good story? “Oh, my arm? It got bitten off by a tapir. One of those faux-elephant things.” Bad-ass, man. On the other hand, their snouts are apparently prehensile, which means nothing to me other than the fact that prehensile is a really good word.

 

7. Komondor dogs. Now look. I know you’re saying “a dog? How can a dog possibly be as weird as – like, that salamander thing that lives only in deep caves?” But you obviously haven’t seen this one. This dog is originally from Hungary and was clearly bred for one purpose – to be a mop. Don’t be fooled by people claiming they are fast and efficient guard dogs. This dog is a mop. A very large, mobile mop, yes, but nonetheless a mop. Or maybe it was just supposed to blend in with the sheep so they didn’t notice they were being bodyguarded. Either way, this dog has dreads, and while that is kind of awesome, it remains one of the sillier things I’ve seen thus far. And watching these things jump is hilarious.

 

6. Patagonian Cavy. This…animal lives in South America, which is always a bad sign, and I don’t doubt it is secretly part of a gigantic drug cartel and that’s why it looks so weird, all the exposure to cocaine and things. But the fact remains that this thing, despite having the word Patagonia in it’s name, thus making it more awesome by default, is really weird. Frankly, the Patagonian Cavy looks like a cross between a rabbit that lost its ears, a kangaroo missing its hind legs, and a deer. It’s pretty bizarre. They are also rodents the size of my dog. And they mate for life, which clearly indicates some level of insanity. I wonder if there are Cavy divorce lawyers. Cavy attorneys? Hmm.
 

 

5. Proboscis monkey. Another primate, and this one is certainly a descendent of one famous literary character. Anyone with a bit of knowledge is probably looking at this one and going “proboscis? Isn’t that that thing on a butterfly that they suck the juice out of flowers with? What is it doing on a monkey?” And they would be right. Basically, in place of a nose, this primate has a peculiar, brown blobby thing hanging off its face that is almost as absurd as the fact that these things sitting down look like a forty year old man with a beer belly. In fact, only the males seem to have this affliction. However, Wikipedia does have this to say about the proboscis monkey’s prodigious endowment. “The nose is thought to be used in mating and is unique to the males of the species, reaching up to 7 inches in length. Besides attracting mates, the nose serves as a resonating chamber and works by amplifying their warning calls. When the animal becomes agitated its nose swells with blood, making warning calls louder and more intense.” Maybe I’m the only one laughing at this. Also probably the only one laughing at the genus it’s placed into, which is called “Nasalis.” Snerk.

 

4. Pygmy Marmosets. These things look like something out of a Miyazaki movie. They have weirdly human little faces, only thing being that they’re covered in…fur. Also, when I think marmosets I generally thing large, prairie dog like things, where this is, as the name suggests, rather small. Say 6 inch body length max. It’s not actually a marmoset, is why, but another one of those primates – are they just weird by nature or something? – that crawls around South American rainforests generally being adorable. The ringed tail might look like a raccoon, but these things are a hell of a lot less annoying. Probably because they avoid human contact as much as possible. I think they might be part of a mob.

 

3. Blobfish. The only really good way to describe this thing is to tell you to look it up, and that the name pretty much tells you everything. It lives in intense depths and has no muscle, primarily eating by drifting into its food. It is often caught in fishing trawling nets, but I wouldn’t want to eat it. Especially as the face kind of looks like the proboscis monkey went aquatic.

 

2. Star-nosed Mole. Oh god. This thing. While this may come as a surprise to some, I am at least 95% sure that this mole is actually Cthulhu in disguise and is poised on the verge of rising to devour the world. Don’t let the furry and sort of cute fool you. Or the small side. Look into the face of one of these and tell me you don’t see a great, soulless Old One biding his time to reach into your mind with his sinister tentacles and devour your soul.
 

I make a point of avoiding molehills.

1. Gastornis. A huge, predatory bird that lives in North America and Europe and can grow to be almost seven feet tall, Gastornis preys on small mammals, birds, and freshmen emo kids. It has beady yellowish eyes, a huge, hooked beak and enormous talons used for grasping its prey. This is not a friendly bird. The only thing that makes this thing slightly less dangerous is the fact that it is flightless. So if you can fly, you’re covered. Otherwise…
 

It’s a good thing these are actually extinct. Had you there, didn’t I?

Weird and wild world we live in, and there’s more out there than these. Google ‘weird animals’ and see what you come up with. And keep an eye over your shoulder for giant predatory birds. (I know what I’m doing for Halloween next year…)