(no subject)

[minviendha]

Oh. My. Dear. Lord.

A Wheel of Time sue. Or as good as.

NO! I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE BETTER THAN THIS!

-SOB-

Anyway, for anyone who's interested.

Or if you feel like losing faith in humanity. Not as bad as the last one.

But I am more picky when it comes to Wheel of Time fics.

X-posted to wheeloftime, [Bad username or unknown identity: minviendha, [info]]


Story Or Series Title: A Sidestep in the Pattern (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1435264/1/)

Fandom: Wheel of Time
Culprit Author's Name: starborn

Full Name (plus titles if any): Liane (she doesn't remember her last name)
Full Species(es): Bookwormicus Mary Sueicus
Hair Color (include adjectives): doesn't mention it
Eye Color (include adjectives): n/a
Unusual Markings/Colorations:
Special Possessions (if any): all nine WoT books.

Annoying Origin: London Mary Sueland
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: related to Elayne (shh, you're not supposed to know this)
Annoying Special Abilities: ability to snatch bodies, knives, and knife tricks.
Other Annoying Traits: has the spark inborn -gag-

God no. Not Wheel of Time! You can have LotR, and Harry Potter, but LEAVE US WHEEL OF TIME! AHHHHH!

Liane walked out of the house, not looking back. In fact, she hoped she would never see it again in her life. Her new foster family were a bunch of morons, they hardly ever fed her, treated her like a dog half the time and a sue the other half of the time, and completely ignored her the rest GASP! They didn’t buy her anything at all, her shoes were about five sizes too small and she daren’t even ask for the tenth Wheel of Time book (out now in all good book stores), because after shoes, Wheel of Time is the most important thing you can have. Go on, admit it. They’d probably go and bloody rip up the other nine, which were her only possessions (she had stolen the backpack), if they knew about them! They were worn from over-reading, since they were the only thing she’d ever read, that she remembered! She did have quite a few gaps in her memory though; (somewhere Mat is crying because Liane stole his plotline.) she remembered nothing before she had been found at the orphanage. Age ten. Which was considered very strange. And this author uses lots. Of periods. Period.

She only knew what people told her, she had an accent no-one could place that was very suspicious Sue-like, and that she read too much of the wheel of time books and lacked capitalization. They were like a second world to her, very real, and it seemed she sometimes knew things about Robert Jordan’s world that even he didn’t know how this works, explain?. Everyone needs to reason why things happened, and she told herself it was just her over active imagination at work, nothing strange about it. But where there are Sues, strange things happen. Things utterly lacking in logic.

Her favourite character was Elayne, maybe a strange character to pick since everyone else pretty much hated her, but the fact that she had the same red-gold hair, and the same blue eyes might have had a little to do with it. The Case of the Bodysnatchers, anyone? In fact she also had the same habit of lifting her chin haughtily, but she didn’t know it because lifting your chin is unconscious when you’re a Sue, and it had made her the target of abuse before now. Elayne has joined Mat crying because Liane stole her body.

She had also lived on the streets before, she didn’t like it, but it was sometimes preferable to the bustle of the orphanage, or the confinement of a foster home, because everyone knows that living on the street is teh awesome, Right? Right.

She had a lot of knives, which she had also stolen for protection from logic, the enemy of every Sue, hidden in about as many places as Mat had them. Now Mat is contemplating suicide because Liane stole all his knives. They weren’t, however, just a load of bull. She knew how to use every one of them, having been taught by some random canon character who fell madly in love with her, and…never mind, well she didn’t know who.

Another one of those missing memories. Everybody share a cry for Mat, now.

The only thing she had actually remembered when she was found was her first name, and her birthdate. She didn’t even remember her last name for crying out loud! OMGZ GASP! TEH MYSTERY!

Finding a secluded spot in the crowded and grimy back alleys of London the home of the Sues that were never seen in the guided tours where people gawked at the crowds of Suelike Sueness, she sat down, and opened the ninth book of the Mary Sue manual to one of her favourite places near the end. It was all about how not to be logical, the perfect chapter for her. She was an expert at killing logic. You just had to sneak up from behind and bop it over the head with the Moron Bat.

She had only been reading for ten minutes, however, when two boys appeared, they were both small and skinny, and one looked a lot like a rat for the sake of comparing people to animals, because that just wins. Right? Right.

“’ey Rat!” said Liane in a cockney accent. For some reason.

LOGIC: (bopped over the head) AHHH!

What a good guess because Sues always know everything.

“Look ‘o we ‘ave ‘ere!” said another guy in a cockney accent. For some reason.

LOGIC: *writhes on the floor*

“Oh a bookworm. Bookwormicus Mary Suicus,” sneered Rat just to show how knowledgeable he was. “Is the poor little girly lost?” She was not impressed, as he did not have a cockney accent.

“Not lost.” She said, casually folding the corner of her book no, not the book! and placing it beside her. Mat snatched it back and ran away, cackling with delight. “But you are, aren’t you?” Aww, the poor little Lost Boys, caught by a Mary Sue. There Will Be No Escape for Them. Bwa ha ha ha ha. The boys’ sneers turned to terror as with a practised air she flicked her wrist and took out two knives, twirling them like a cow-boy before putting them back where they came from. Min joined Mat and Elayne because Liane stole her knife trick. Cry for them, peoples. I’m going to go hug all of them.

Even Elayne.

Back now.

“Aren’t you.” She said again, this time not stating it as a question because Mary Sues are too cool for questions. Neither said anything just fled back down the alley. With a shake of her head, they were only kids really unlike her, because Mary Sues are born fully grown; she opened her book again and read until the end.

She finished the last page, and read the glossary just for a bit of fun because reading the glossary is fun, go on, admit it, before settling down to go to sleep, thinking how she would much rather be in the book than where she was. The plot device fairy appeared, cackling, and waved her wand a few times. For the sake of convenience. “Mary Suicus explodicus,” she laughed, and Liane burst into tiny bubbles of flesh disappeared.

**A Side-step in the Pattern**

The next morning she woke up quite happily, only to find that someone had stolen her bag, books and all! They had taken her trainers too! Blood and bloody ashes! Mat is crying and hugging his knife because Liane is now stealing his swears. Okay, that’s when you know you’ve been reading too much, and it had been happening to Liane for a while now, because she was a Bookwormicus Sue!

She slipped out of the alley and gaped, the world had turned, brighter; there was no other word for it. Then she took a look at her surroundings, and gaped again. The streets, which before had been tarmacked, were just unnecessary comma dirt tracks! With horses and carts! And the people! They looked, like they came from Ebou Dar GASP OMGZ! No, impossible, but that inns name! She was sure it was an inn, and she was sure it was from the eighth book! (question: does this author know the names of the books?) She closed her eyes, and opened them again! Still there!  She pinched herself! Still there! She shook her head! Still there! Wow, these exclamation points are really starting to get on my nerves.

 CONVIENENCE FAIRY: *cackles delightly*

But wait, what was that the sun was catching when she held her head tilted to the side? Could it be a Mary Sue? It’s a Tar Valon golden coin OMGZ! That hadn’t been described in the books, she was sure, but still, she knew, somehow. Because she was a Mary Sue, and Mary Sues have speshul powerz. She picked it up, sheesh its heavy and my sentence structure is strange! And real.

No! She couldn’t possibly be in a book! Stuff like this just didn’t happen except in Sue fics! The world looked so real though! It looked more real than the drab streets of London Sue Land! This author really likes exclamation points!

“Flaming horse breath!” She muttered. “What am I going to do?” Well, first she had to change, she was attracting too many looks in the trousers and t-shirt she was wearing, she told herself sensibly. Sense? From a Sue? I think I should faint.

So saying she fitted actions to the words is that a malapropism, or just me? and found a tailors shop. Soon she was fitted for a dark green silk riding dress, and changed into it immediately, discarding her old clothes in a convenient trash can. She also bought a pair of stout riding boots, and lunch from a bakers that lacked possesives.

… stays at an inn, blah, sleeps, dreams about Elayne, Gawyn, and Galad a mysterious threesome of siblings… 

…a maid was frantically shaking her. “Miss! An Aes Sedai is down stairs waiting on you Miss! The Aes Sedai will wrap you up with the power, and cart you off with her hands if you don’t wake up soon miss! She said so herself because Aes Sedai say stuff like that all the time!” Her tone said that she thought that would be a rather interesting spectacle to watch, however, she had no time for back-lashing eh? a maid with her tongue, an Aes Sedai!

“What!” She was on her feet in an instant, all thoughts of sleep driven from her head. They snapped the reins and rode off to invade someone else’s skull. She hopped into her stockings and dress hurriedly, while the maid brushed her hair and pinned it back neatly. How do you hop into stockings? Just wondering.

“Wish I could do that.” She grumbled. She had problems with her hair, so she just basically left it alone in the mornings, if she touched it; it attacked her with its sharp, vicious teeth, plus whatever she did with it looked just as bad as it springing up every which way.

“Hurry Miss! You don’t want to keep the Aes Sedai waiting.”

“No I bloody well don’t, and if you call me miss one more time I’ll, I’ll, growl at you!” She growled at the maid, not being able to find sufficient words at this early hour in the morning. And because of the lack of eloquence of the author. 

And so she runs downstairs, and runs right into the Aes Sedai. 

“Child! Be more careful!” What the, was she imagining things or was a real Aes Sedai asking her if she was alright? No, you are imagining things. However, though child wasn’t exactly something she liked being called, she was willing to overlook it just this once. Because of course, its not like Aes Sedai call everyone children, aight? Aight.  “Well, Liane, I must see your parents immediately," she said briskly and in a brisk manner.

“I haven’t got any, that I’m aware of, Aes Sedai.” She said, frantically searching for a reason to why an Aes Sedai would be asking for her parents. Oh no! What if they had cottoned on to the fact that she was from another world! She would be taken away for questioning OMGZ and, she noticed the Aes Sedai was staring at her, and she vaguely recalled her saying something!

“Ah, sorry Aes Sedai, could you please repeat the question?” Ooh, Liane doesn’t listen to her Aes Sedai!

“I said,” said the Aes Sedai irritably, “that you must take me to you are guardian.”

“Haven’t got one.” At least not now she’d run away from them. “Aes Sedai.” She added, in what she hoped was a meek voice, she had never been good at being meek. Mary Sues just aren’t made to be meek.

“Well, then, I may just as well tell you here,” said the Aes Sedai briskly. “You have the spark inborn in you, child. And I know this because of this story’s utter lack of logic.”

Spark inborn.

“No that’s just impossible!” “GASP OMGZ!” Said Liane.

“I assure you, child, it is quite possible, and we are to go to Tar Valon immediately for the sake of storyline convienience.”

 “We are to go by the travel window.” (Has anyone here heard of a travel window?) This was the nick-name it had been given. Does she mean gateway?

“Blood and, I mean, yes Aes Sedai.” Blood and Aes Sedai. Such a pleasant mixture. She curtseyed again. 

And so, she sees three other girls, Ebou Dari… 

“What’s an Andoran Mary Sue doing here?” One of the girls said snarkily, she seemed to be the leader of the group.

“Andoran Mary Sue?”

“You’re obviously from round there aren’t you? You have the sheer arrogance and appearance and stuff.”

The accent of Andor Mary Sue Land Andor? But that’s just impossible! Everything in this story is impossible. Liane just hasn’t figured it out yet.

A little voice inside her head told her that it had gone way past impossible now.

LOGIC: *gives up and dies*

LIANE: *clobbers it a few more times with the Moron Bat*

MINVIENDHA: *writhing from the effort of not whacking her head on her desk the whole way through this beast, and then gives up and whacks it. Several times*