apologizing and such...

[minviendha]

Lord. I hate this.

All my friends need me, and there's nothing I can say. All I can say is "sorry, sorry, I'm sorry." Apologizing does no fucking good, and I just end up feeling like crap because I'm not good enough to help my friends. And I just apologize, and apologize, and feel more like crap, and then I snap and yell at people and get Bitchy and Pissy with capital letters. And then I feel bad. And apologize.

I really, really hate myself.

Mom says I need to see a counselor. I don't want to change, though - it's too much work, and it's just more stress, more stuff I have to do. And I can't complain about my issues, either, because my friends have bigger issues. I feel like a moron, but then they ask what grade I'm getting, and I admit that I'm getting good grades. But I still feel so much stupider than I used to, and then someone will be like, well, if you're stupid, I'm more stupid. And then I feel bad. And apologize. And shut up.

I do a lot of shutting up right now.

I want to talk, but I don't have anyone to talk to. I want to complain, but I don't want to drown out my friend's complaints. I want to bitch about my friends, but then I make them feel bad and then I feel bad. I am so screwed. Up. And everything matters now - it's like, get a good grade in this, or you'll fail high school and get into a bad college and end up a hobo on the streets of Brazilian slums. Or, learn how to study or you'll fail at life. I can't stand the constant comparing, the constant jealousy that just makes me feel like crap. And then I feel like crap for complaining, because I really don't have anything to complain about. I have a good life, right? So why can't I fucking just appreciate it?

I always say I'm just going to shut up, not say anything, not bother anyone with my petty issues. And yet I always end up doing it anyway. And then I want to say, "Elise, shut up. You're being a brat. Why are you complaining?"

In a lot of ways, I feel bad even posting this here. Because in a lot of ways, I'm looking for sympathy. Then, when I get it, I feel guilty because it is like getting a kiss that you asked for. All the spontaneity is gone.

*sigh*

Doing the SAT tomorrow, just to see what it's like. That should be interesting.

I'm done now.

Maybe it would be better if I just shoved duct tape over my mouth and inhaled my food through my nose. That might work.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Never mind.

Comments

[redsilkscarf.livejournal.com]

Oh, my darling, I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. :( Please don't feel bad about getting sympathy when you're ranting about stuff like this... you need a big hug! This is stressful stuff! You don't have anything to complain about, you say? In the words of t3h intarwebs: "STFU, n00b". You have a crapload of stuff to complain about- just because, say, you're not starving like those poor children in wherever doesn't mean that you can't complain. You've got a ton of stuff to deal with right now, as does the rest of our little group. Just because the rest of us are dealing with things as well, does that mean you have no right to complain? Absolutely not! Everyone has a right to stamp, scream, cry, and generally bitch about life all they want. It's important to talk, believe me. Ranting and raging quietly to yourself never helps; get your feelings out there! I mean, lj was made for people to rant about their lives... make use of that fact!

Mom says I need to see a counselor.
Uh, no. Although parents may think otherwise, YOU are the best judge of what you need. Speaking from experience, if you're dragged off to a counselor when you don't want to talk, it's not going to help. You're gonna squirm around in your chair for however many minutes, wishing you weren't there. Did you tell your mother that you do not want/need to see a counselor? I will call her myself if it would help in any way, I swear.

Will you tell me how your SATing goes? I'm dreading the SAT because I know I'm going to fail miserably in the math section... anyhow, call/e-mail/IM/write me if there's anything you ever want to talk about... I love you terribly, and I hate seeing you unhappy. xxx

[nonconformity93.livejournal.com]

...are we...supposed to be doing the SAT? *is a freaking dumbass*

wow. I mean. I know people take it early, but are we supposed to? I mean. Oh fuck.

[redsilkscarf.livejournal.com]

No, we won't have to take it for many more years. It looks like Miz 'Lise is taking it early just 'cause... don't worry, we've got a long while before we have to worry about that!

[zorpisuttle.livejournal.com]

The esteemed [Bad username or site: redsilkscarf is correct @ livejournal.com]. You only have to take it your junior or senior year, really. Anytime earlier is optional.

[zorpisuttle.livejournal.com]

er, "is right" should go after the end of that first sentence.

[nonconformity93.livejournal.com]

Oh thank god!

[minviendha.livejournal.com]

Awww, you are so sweet, Mimi. I woke up really early this morning and read this and it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside...

It actually wasn't bad. There wasn't too much math, and what there was was mostly multiple choice. The writing/reading was a breeze - you'll do fine.

Wubs!

[redsilkscarf.livejournal.com]

Shucks, folks. *blush*
I do think you are overestimating my math skills (or lack thereof...?). Glad to hear that you did not die of SAT, though- that does indeed bode well for my future self!

[nonconformity93.livejournal.com]

Aboooot the whole counselor thing...aren't you already? and if you're not...there gets to a point where you sould...no matter what. I mean...I've heard you hinting about being anorexic...dear. That's not somthing you or any of your friends can deal with, no matter what we say. You need to talk to a professional. And...dear lord, if we feel like crap we can't help you, you feel like crap you can't help us, we feel like crap- blah blah. circle. You see what I'm saying.

Don't say "I really, really hate myself"
Tough Love Eugie:*wrestles nice Eugie to the ground* 'LISE! I know that sometimes people feel like shit about what they did, who they are, crap like that. But never, never say that you hate yourself IN GENERAL. Not only is it unhealthy to look at yourself like that (SEE A COUNSELER YOU NOOB!) it's not good to put that strain on other people. Couselers is nice people. I KNOW I can't help you, I even know that sometimes, the constant "I hate who I am" "I hate what I do" can be...annoying. to be quite frank. This isn't to say I don't care...or I don't want to help you. BUT I CAN'T! And when you say things like that it makes people feel bad that they can't help you.

Uhhh...you can always complain about your issues. I know. I say the same thing. But do as I say not as I do, kay hon?

As you said I always say I'm just going to shut up, not say anything, not bother anyone with my petty issues. And yet I always end up doing it anyway. It's not bothering people. petty issues suck. What you need though, is a filter. What's really the problem? Do people need to hear about these petty issues? What should I tell them? What should I leave out?


Things do matter. I'm not going to say they don't. We're all feeling the stress, some of us more than others. And we all deal. But....that's not to say it doesn't suck and you don't feel like punching your hand through a wall sometimes. Me? I got a season pass to "Comedy Central Presents" and a gym membership. Plus a couseler. Hopefully.

You have Manic Depression. That's why you can't appriciate it.

You beat yourself up too much.

What is this SAT thing? Are people supposed to be taking it? Oh Noes!

I love you. I wish I could help. But...I can't. I could. But I'm too wrapped up in me right now. And I'm sorry.

*feels bad*

[zorpisuttle.livejournal.com]

What is this SAT thing? Are people supposed to be taking it? Oh Noes!

Only if you're a junior or senior and you plan to go to college. Anytime earlier is optional.

[zorpisuttle.livejournal.com]

Everyone feels like that, I think. And it really is bad of people who got bad grades to be all "Well, we got C's and D's so you don't have a right to be upset about your B-when-you-really-wanted-an-A. Our problems eclipse yours!" because the B-when-you-really-wanted-an-A person is probably just as upset as the C or D people are. I know I've been guilty of being a C or D person to someone else's B-when...-an-A (was that the epitome of laziness or what?), so, er, this is kind of me atoning for that.

I've been doing really bad in calculus recently, and everyone from my mom to my guidance counselor (who I don't actually go to for emotional guidance, just college stuff/schedule-changing/taking-classes-over-the-summer, but have nonetheless built some kind of relationship with just because I've been in her office so much) has told me to just relax about it, because colleges will realize where my strengths lie, and know that calculus is not one of them. It hasn't really helped my guilt about Sucking Like A Muffin In Calculus Oh Noes, but I suppose if enough people tell me colleges will understand, I might believe it. I'm sure that was deeply comforting. :P

Everyone needs sympathy. And this is the internet, we're not going to know what's going on in your head unless you tell us, you know?

Good luck with the SAT, especially the writing-an-essay-in-25-minutes thing. It may help to know that even if you only have time to write half your essay, you can still scrape a 7/12 for that portion, if it's well-written.

[minviendha.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for writing that large chunk of comfort. It makes me so happy *circle dance*

Oooh, I'm sorry. I'm not looking forward to calculus. *is not helpful* Anyway, it was, actually. Thanks for the sympathy!

The essay was annoying. I cramped my hand. At least I didn't cramp my elbow. How do you do that, anyway?

Here, have a Dark Side cookie. *cookie*

[zorpisuttle.livejournal.com]

:D I like writing large chunks of comfort.

If you do end up taking it, attempt to pay attention in class, because sometimes complicated stuff gets explained. ^__^;;

I have never experienced elbow-cramping, so I cannot say.

COOKIE! *chomps*

[zorpisuttle.livejournal.com]

*more hugs and gets Mat to dance the sa'sara!*
Damn, I wish I had that kind of influence!

Yeah, if you're in middle school (in my district, middle school is 6th to 8th), your grades only matter to anything outside your pride if you plan to apply to a private school or something like that. Colleges only see your high school transcript, and I know that is true because I've applied to 6 and that's the only transcript they ask for. :D

It's nice if you can start out with fantastic grades in 9th, but it's not the end of the world if you don't. Having mediocre grades in freshman year is understandable, because you're adjusting, and and it makes it easier to improve in the next three, which colleges look favorably on. And yeah, the last two years are more important than the first, so you've got some leeway there as well.