:D

[minviendha]

Who, me? Go on eljay during a newspaper meeting? No waaaaay.

But really, this exercise cracked me up. And I had way too much fun with it. So I present: Jack and Jill in the style of News, Features, and Opinions.

I don't even know which is my favorite. XDD

NEWS

Local children Jack and Jill were injured in a fall down The Hill on Sunday.

“I just told them to get some water,” their mother said in an interview. “They weren’t going far. I didn’t think anything would happen.”

Unfortunately, after an unfortunate mishap, Jack slipped and fell. Both twins were airlifted to Children’s Hospital, but Jill was discharged shortly, while Jack remained in critical condition.

“Jack sustained serious injuries to the cranium,” Doctor Humbert, their physician, said in an interview. “He’s not out of the woods yet.”

Police did not suspect foul play.

FEATURES

“They’re really enthusiastic,” Vladimir Buskov said, watching the young actors on the Fairytale Repertoire stage. “They really get into the story.”

Mr. Buskov started a revolutionary program for young adults at the theatre he opened just months ago that has been a runaway success. While initially unpopular with the parents of the community, the idea has since taken hold and the third performance, of the drama “Jack; Jill” goes on stage this weekend.

“Watching them is a delight. They just love it so much,” Buskov said, smiling. “I just think it’s so sad that their parents want to hold them back from this.”

Some parents have protested the choice of play, saying that “Jack; Jill” promotes unsafe behavior and encourages violence. “They’re turning our kids into degenerates!” one irate parent said at a recent meeting of ChildSafe, a program famed for its violent protest of the performance of “Hood” in nearby Bunsville. “It’s just like that movie, Reefer Madness. Theatre is turning all our children into hooligans and whores!” ChildSafe has petitioned the City Council for the removal of theatre and play.

A representative for the Council refused to comment.

OPINIONS

Everyone knows the nursery rhyme “Jack and Jill.” Ask any child and they can tell you how they went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, only to come tumbling down, Jack breaking his crown in the process. Too long has this rhyme been portrayed as an innocent tale of childhood happiness and the occasional mishap! I declare that the truth should be revealed: Jack was pushed.

You may laugh or scoff, but the truth is plain to me. There is no explanation of why Jack fell, no “he tripped on a rock” or “Jack was a klutzy idiot.” Oh no. Jack just “fell.” Children do not just fall spontaneously any more than they combust spontaneously! Clearly, something is missing from the old nursery rhyme, something that someone wished to be kept hidden.

Who is that someone, you may ask? Who else but the innocent of the rhyme – Jill, the only witness! One need only look at the remainder for the real clue: “Jack fell down and broke his crown/and Jill came tumbling after.” Who was injured in this fall? Jack! While somehow Jill made it down the hill entirely whole and conveniently uninjured, to explain to any suspicious parties what had happened!

And why has the truth not come out until now? It is clear that the injury to Jack’s head must have been more serious than implied – perhaps he was even killed by the sinister, ill wishing Jill. Who knows what she had to gain by this act of malice – it has been lost in history – but for too long have we allowed a murderer to get away and live on untarnished in the minds of our children! It’s time to stand up and see the “innocent” nursery rhyme for what it truly is: a dark tale of murder and conspiracy that must be recognized for what it truly is and cast aside before it’s too late.